In the summer after my senior year, my father passed away from a heart attack which, for what it’s worth, was not a surprise to any of us. He drank too much, he smoked too much and he worked too much; the holy trinity of early exits.
After he died, I guess it was just kind of expected that I’d take his place in the shop on North Davis. Looking back, I guess I had been aware that this would be my lot in life from the very beginning but I just wasn’t willing to face facts–and I sure as hell wasn’t going to rock the boat. No goddamn way, not worth it. It was “go along to get along” in my family and I was all aces in that class.
When I was younger, there was a time that I thought I could actually do it. I used to spend my afternoons watching the guys work on small engines but I knew before long that it just wasn’t my thing. The shop was so cramped and dark and so full of noise and commotion that every time I’d go in there, I’d get the feeling that I was suffocating. To deal with those feelings, I used to sit on an old 50 gallon drum in the corner and look out the window. It was the only window in the place–to this day, I can remember how good it felt when the sunlight made its way through the weathered glass and fell across my shoulders. It’s the only good memory I have of the place.
Truth is, I wanted to be a teacher. Hell, I think I would have been a great teacher. But when shit hits the fan and everybody’s looking at you to pull the white rabbit out of the hat, you do what you have to. So I went to work in the shop and my life was essentially over before it ever started.
My Dad used to say, “It is what it is son…it is what it is.” I know what that means now.
I hope the rest of my family appreciates the sacrifices I’ve made–if they do, they’ve never told me so. And sometimes I think that hurts more than losing the last 20 years.
After almost 21 years, Jason Welles is now the manager of a small engine repair shop on North Davis street. He lives in the same house he grew up in and is caring for his mother who is suffering from complications of diabetes. He drinks too much, he smokes too much and he works too much.
Ashtray, Bill’s Tavern
Leave a note.